Jaclyn Marie » rant

Skinny people and their STOOPid dilemmas

Jaclyn — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 23:20:57 +0000

“I have low self-esteem because I am too skinny.” These words are the ones you do not say to someone who is or has been fat. Never.

Do these people have any idea what it’s like to be fat? To be the one who can’t “fit in between” other people in a seat? To be the one who needs others to make space for? Have they gone shopping for a dress for a formal and gotten bad looks from the sales lady that clearly say: “Nothing here will ever help you, nothing ever will” or “You won’t fit in our styles”? It’s frustrating. They haven’t been called a ball or any other stupid fat term, they haven’t had to run away from the color white and they have had to say “no” to beach and pool parties simply to avoid being looked at. Their worst problem? Oh wow, their clothes aren’t tight. How awful. Or maybe, their clothes are too short. Most of, the girls at least, them wear short clothes anyway. Then, it’s fabulous to try to get into jeans and find they don’t fit you anymore. Finding out you can’t shop in the same places you used to. Trying to find clothes that don’t make you look like a pig. It’s ridiculous that they compare being too fat with being too skinny. The anorexic joke, fine. How about the pig jokes, cow jokes, every other kind there is. So there, at least to ME: NEVER complain of being too skinny.

< / r a n t >

Bachelors 1 2 3

Jaclyn — Fri, 07 May 2010 03:54:32 +0000

Bachelor #1 became my boyfriend and we had a wonderful ride. Our story had plenty of drama and love, but like every good story: it ended. It wasn’t a black-and-white one page ending. It faded, like an old letter losing it’s legibility.

Bachelor #2 was the best friend who was always the shoulder to lean on. The one who said he’d love to be with me and always put himself out there “discretely.” As soon as I took the chance, the “good guy” changed his mind.

Bachelor #3 was the new guy who didn’t want anything serious and I, as foolish as ever, thought myself capable of changing him. After too much too soon I realized I wouldn’t. And he was gone…

What am I left with? A messy semester and a broken heart.

Day 2- Update 2

Jaclyn — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:47:18 +0000

He left me waiting again. It’s the third time in a couple of weeks “I’ll call you later” turns into nothing. Disappointment actually, that could describe it. I feel weird, I can’t believe it’s over for him. I can’t fathom that thought. I think back to when I was responsible for his suffering, and question if he felt like I do. I mean, yes…I was with someone else, but I told him repeatedly that I would go back to him. I told him it was a matter of time. And it was. He sort of knew that it would be over you know? It’s like getting a vaccine or having blood drawn. It’ll sting and hurt, but you know there’s an end to it. You know you’ll feel better in a little bit. I wish I had that…I wish I could know he is coming back to me in a little bit. I wish I could know it was a little bit. Honestly? I’m scared to death to find out that he really doesn’t have romantic feelings toward me anymore. It stings, it hurts, it burns. It’s like something inside you is just wrong and you can’t fix it. Like somehow, something in there doesn’t allow you to breathe. You suffocate, you try to find the way out of it and you simply can’t. I love him to death, and I’ve never been so sure I want to to be with him. He doesn’t trust me though, and I get it. I hurt him, bad. I lied, I hid stuff. But at the end, I hid something silly actually but I knew he wouldn’t understand or believe me when I told him I had no more feelings toward the person. And I don’t, really. I just feel sorry for people and want to save everyone. I wish I could take everything back because none of them is worth losing a minute I could have spent at his side. None of it. But I can’t. I have to live with it and if it costs me the love of my life, I’ll be sorry until the last breath I take. I know we haven’t had it good lately, but really our timing sucks. When I’m head-over-heels he isn’t and vice-versa. If we could just sync he could see what I have faith in. It’ll be beautiful! I know he doesn’t trust me, but he has my whole heart. I know he sees the look in my eyes, I know he hears my heart in the rhythm of my voice when we speak. I know he sees that. He sees how I’m just giving him all that I am, and maybe that should be enough to have faith in us. But I guess not. And really…some days I think maybe it’s just that. I gave him everything and it’s not enough. Everything bored him, everything made him change. Everything was nothing to him. I pray for this not to be it, because if it us there’s really nothing I can do about it. If it’s trust well I’m well on my way to prove myself, I do not want anyone else at all. I ignore them, evade them, do what I can to shove other guys away because I want his arms around me again and forever. It’s almost 12 so my thoughts for today are over. See you tomorrow.

Day 2

Jaclyn — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:46:53 +0000

I had a good nights sleep, thank God. It was another difficult day. I saw so many Valentine’s Day stuff I was SICK of it. I wanted to talk to him, see him. Walk with him for a while and just talk, even if it was merely about trees and the diversity of leaves in them. But I didn’t see him. I didn’t even talk to him until a little while ago. 19 minutes. The best part of my day lasted 19 minutes. I found a notebook in my nightstand and it had three unsent letters of when he was in basic training. I also found a valentine he sent me a couple of years ago. 4 years, 4 months and 9 days. Also, I read some Nicholas Sparks quotes which I posted into my tumblr (http://jaclynmarie1.tumblr.com) which is now responsible for small venting in between blog posts. I found quotes from Dear John, which I read but had forgotten what beautiful quotes it had.

Anyway, back to the subject. I miss him. And it’s not that I want someone, it’s that I want him. I don’t want A boyfriend, I want MY boyfriend. It’s not that we’ve been through so much that always made me hold on, it’s the fact that we have so much time to do so much more together. I see all the chances we can have to move forward and bury all the negative things in the past with wonderful experiences in the future. I love him, and I always will. I want us to move forward together, but I want him to want me like he used to. I was to be indispensable in his life again. I want us to be on the same page for the first time, where neither of us can live without the other and both of us are madly in love. I just want him. These are the thoughts of day two.

I want to be his Valentine, every day of every year I have left to live.

Day 1

Jaclyn — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 03:39:28 +0000

To make it short: my boyfriend of on-and-off 4 years dumped me before my birthday, than came back, dumped me again, came back and dumped me again today. This blog will for now be the real day by day diary of getting over it, or getting back to it, or who knows what.

“I can only be your friend right now, but I love you.” A few words, a few words that make you feel like you were standing on a carpet that was pulled from under you. It’s like you’re so used to something, you rely on it, you always count on it and suddenly when you go to grab it, it’s gone. It just vanished into thin air, no explanations or substitution there. It’s heartbreaking at the very least. Suddenly I found myself feeling unsafe, insecure and alone. Really, I barely have any friends at all and now that I don’t have a cellphone I don’t communicate with barely anyone to be able to socialize with. So he was pretty much everything. I spent my whole day with him and now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to waste time on the phone with. I’m just there, breathing and trying not to cry. I probably sound really pathetic but it’s true. It’s a big deal– it’s your first love. How do you just not care? And besides, it’s just day one.

Note to self: Don’t try to use guys to not think about it. You have no interest in them, as proven, and last time you did it you hurt people, including yourself. Breathe deep.

Moment

Jaclyn — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:27:08 +0000

Every second we share with someone is a moment in which we are capable of creating art. We have the tools to make a memory, an impact; to inspire, to move, to captivate. In a moment you can impact in a way that what you make someone feel will be immortalized in a story, a poem, a painting, a movie, a song; in art, protected carefully forever so everyone can have a chance to feel the feeling you left. They have the chance to see themselves in the shoes of the person you inspired; to feel your presence in their lives after your soul and your corpse have been separated for eternity.

Next time you have a moment to share with someone, think of this. Make that moment worth remembering, worth immortalizing. Make that moment mean something; make it beautiful, worthwhile. Make that moment forever yours.

First Week & Some Other Stuff

Jaclyn — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 04:23:03 +0000

First week of college was pretty good. Loads of homework, but overall a nice experience. Most of my professors seem really nice and almost all of my classes have a good group of people. OF course, there is always an exception. I’m taking an education class that is combined with psychology and the group of people there are HORRIBLE. They’re much older than me, and much more serious. You know a group is blah when the professor asks them to lighten up. It was misery. The worst part is the class is three hours long, but only on Mondays. Of course, now I dread Mondays. I made an appointment with the psychologist and another appointment as well. I have to make a dental appointment soon.

On another note, I had a blowout with my boyfriend. Things are difficult. When we started dating he’d do simple gestures that let me know he cared. He thinks it has to be with money but you know, he could prepare a meal for me as a surprise, or leave a handwritten note for me, or any other sweet, simple thing just showing he cares. And aside from this, his commonly used hostile tone when he’s upset and the fact that he is getting so upset so frequently with me lately have really gotten to me. I loved him because he was so kind, gentle and patient with me, because he always made me feel loved. Well tonight we started arguing because I was very upset with the fact that he bought “us” a video camera that:

He never brings to record stuff with me. I have to be the one to remember it.
He asked for it a couple of weeks ago because his family told him to get it to take to the beach. I also had to use it to record some games because his mom couldn’t go.
He lent it to his sister, without even asking me (as he also failed to do for the beach), for her to take to Disney.

…and on that trip his sister “dropped it, broke it, but fixed it.” Her words. I told him I didn’t want to use that camera anymore because of those reasons. I never got a say in when people could take it, I never dropped it myself and I’m simply angry that something for us has become a family (HIS family) item. Also, keep in mind this is the sister I lent my Wii to and she returned it; without batteries in either controllers or WiiFit Board, and missing one of the safety locks for the controller.

Ahh. Got that out. So yeah, let’s see what happens with all this.

Oh! Almost forgot, I fell on campus this week. Picture below.

sick of this

Jaclyn — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 05:13:24 +0000

My grandmother told me to be here at 12:00 midnight and I arrived at 12:34 a.m. This meant her screaming at me and telling me I would never go out at night again. 34 minutes. thirty-four minutes. I’m so sick of the same thing over and over. I’m a good student, responsible, a good person, and still this is never enough. I’m constantly compared to my older sister and criticized for everything I do and it sucks. Big time. I’m just so tired of everything…really am. I wish some day in my life I could feel I’m doing ok, that I’m not a screw up. She never makes me feel good about myself…

i guess this always happens

Jaclyn — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:05:07 +0000

Today I went to my boyfriend’s Championship game in a local tournament. Afterward, we were going to his house for a while. When he picked me up, the first thing he did was talk to me in a kind of agitated tone but I decided to not pay much attention to it. When we got to his house we found out his brother was using one of his family’s cars to go to the capital of our Country, where I wanted to go tomorrow as well. Instead of boyfriend finding out an alternate way for us to make our trip he just immediately told me we couldn’t go. It’s the sixth time, more or less, we reschedule this trip in the last month. Aside from this, it also hit me that I’ve been wanting to go the that city for a while now to see the historical part of town because I love it and haven’t been there in years, but as always no one is ever available to take me. I’m pretty frustrated right now because I really like seeing historical places and beautiful outdoor spots and no one ever takes me anywhere. I mean, my boyfriend could at least do that. But I guess it’s too much to ask. Whatever, I’m out.

So aparently I go out too much

Jaclyn — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 16:45:51 +0000

According to my grandparents I “go out too much”. This is so not true, that it is upsetting that they would even say that. I’m almost always at home. This past week I went out Saturday to have lunch at some restaurant, and went out last night to a funeral and then to a local pub. I think I went to the mall with my boyfriend on Monday or something. That’s about it. How is this going out too much? And besides, whenever I am here all I do is watch One Tree Hill in my room or stuff like that. It’s not like we actually have conversations or spend quality time together so what the hell is the problem? It seems they enjoy seeing me be miserable in my room and hearing them walk around the house. Great.