Jaclyn Marie

One Mistake

Jaclyn — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 01:48:39 +0000

It seems sometimes one mistake has the power to change how people –or one specific person– sees you and feels toward you. You make this one mistake and all of a sudden it changes who you are, it changes how that person feels towards you. To me, this is extremely unfair. We all err, why are we so quick t judge? Why are we so quick to change what we know and feel about/towards a person. How sure are we of what we feel? How can we

Feb 20, 2010

Jaclyn — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 01:42:37 +0000

He says he stopped loving me the same way. How do I take this? I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of people leaving. I’m tired of broken promises. I’m tired of excuses and lies. Things don’t get ruined, you STOP TRYING TO FIX THEM. I hate all of this. I’m broken :/

Day #Whatever: way too long

Jaclyn — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 18:37:26 +0000

I made plans to go out tonight and now I’m indecisive because I don’t want to see him and he will probably be there because I found out people close to him are going there tonight. It sucks because I don’t want to see him going out because that’s what he left me for. He left me to “have fun” and figure out, by being with some other girl he’ll wait for because he won’t want the first that comes along, if I am “the one”. It breaks my heart because when I did this because we were in different countries, he would tell me that for him it was not necessary. He would always point out that he didn’t need to do this because he was so sure, and he made me feel bad for wanting to do this when he abandoned me for months. He made me feel bad about it and after I worked my ass off for us, he decides he wants the same thing. He decides he wants to waste more time we could have been together. It breaks my heart, I mean it. Because I did pick the first thing that came along because I wanted to prove I only wanted HIM. I wanted to have that evidence that I tried something else but NOTHING was like this. And to be honest, what time did I waste? I saw him frequently as soon as he came back. Sure, we weren’t a couple but we spent loads of time together. Things were not perfect, but I was sort of with him.

It’s breaking…

Dear Boy

Jaclyn — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:16:19 +0000

I thought about you today, as I do every day. I looked at my left hand and pictured my ring back on it while I flashed a smile thinking about us engaged to be married soon. Consequently, I thought back to everything we’ve been through. We tainted our relationship, but our love is intact. We always said “us” was bigger and stronger than just you and me. So many times I thought that “us” was what carried us through various difficult times, which many thought impossible to overcome. We did it; we survived, and now we might not. I thought back to the initial family problems where I was considered too young to be with you, and the only time I have truly defied my family was that time — it was for you, for us. Then, to all the technical lying where you didn’t lie to me but you hid the truth. Oh! And could we forget all your blabbing that got me in trouble because people told my cousin and grandma eventually found out? The fights that arose because of your two encounters with your “platonic love.” I was so jealous. The constant fights because of our immaturity and our straying. Then came college and your decision to enlist, oh boy! That sure tore my heart apart. I tried to deal, the wrong ways I admit, but I was just trying to make sense of it. I am still deeply sorry for what we put each other through those months. I loved –love– the letters. The honest, deep, true love they carry in their words. I think it was then that I realized how in love I was, and how I angry I was to be far from you as well. It was hard, but we grew up those months. I think I grew up faster, you still have to catch up. As I write these words, I think back to the memories but in them I find our plans. What we wanted for ourselves and our family — Jacob, Nicky, Bella and Lily (and the dogs duh!). I think about the backpacking through Europe, the charity visits to poor Countries, the habitat-for-humanity plans, the shelter, the tree house, the swings, the weekend bonding, the Sunday morning breakfasts, the pancakes, the messes, the crayons, the tears, the baby’s-first-steps-on-video, the births, the pregnancies, so on and so forth. I think about our office room in the house where I would write and you would come and see how I was doing. I think about all the rejection letters I’ll get before I get an acceptance once, and all the support you said you’d give me in those times. There’s so much here that I cannot fathom it is over, because it is bigger than us. Because I am willing to leave the past in the past, I am willing to heal. I haven’t mentioned your past in a while and I honestly don’t know if you notice. I hope this time gives you the space to heal and that THAT is truly what you need. To heal so you can hold on tight once more, and forever. I know we can do this because we lived in yesterday, today and tomorrow. We just have to leave yesterday behind, and grab on to today and tomorrow.

Dear boy; I love you now and I’ll love you always but when it comes to my heart, you know I’m delicate. I’m holding on as I have been for months and I’m channeling all the strength in me into this. Don’t lose me but most importantly, don’t lose us for, honestly, what we have is not common. We are common people, many will forget us, many won’t; but together, we are a miracle. Together, we are not common. We are unforgettable. We are eternal. We are love. Don’t let this go, because most people spend their whole lives looking for a love like this and we have it.

Vlog Feb 18, 2010

Jaclyn — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 22:32:19 +0000

Sorry for the messy sound :S

Life & Loss

Jaclyn — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:45:11 +0000

Maybe tomorrow you will wake to find that the rhythm of your life, your routine, has changed. Someone stepped out of it and left you lost and confused. It’s like everything you thought you knew was not true. It was not a reality, but the current perception of whoever was making you believe it was real. When this happens you realize what was important to you, who was and is important to you and who those people who will always be there for you are. You will be able to see what shoulders are near to cry on or what ears are ready to listen. You will figure out who truly cares about your well-being and is willing to keep you company even if it’s past midnight if you simply can’t sleep because of the sudden stress and suffering you find yourself caught in. Life is not fair, get this through your head. You will love and be unrequited, you will love and lose, and you will be the recipient of unrequited affection as well. You will get your heart broken, but you will also break hearts. Someday, you WILL have to choose between the one you love and the one who loves you. Choose wisely, because you might just end up alone. Remember to breathe, and of course I do not mean this literally because, who could forget? But take things easy, prioritize and think about yourself. Take a break when it it’s too much. Whatever is meant to be yours, will be yours eventually but don’t take things too lightly either. We won’t live forever, and we should remember to take advantage of every moment we can spend with those we care about. Like said in “Sweet November”: “If I’ve learned anything it’s that you should have the people who love you, around you as long as you possibly can.” Don’t try to control things that you simply can’t because you will only get frustrated and probably make it worse. Life is life, and fate does take care of many things. You just have to patient, calm, strong and be full of faith and love.

“Solo hay una manera de ser feliz y es dejando de preocuparse por todo aquello que esta fuera de nuestro control” -Epicteto

To Love you Have to Let Go

Jaclyn — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:43:35 +0000

Old post never put here:

If you want to take a chance with someone you have to let go of anything else that keeps to attached to other things. It’s a simple really, think of it this way…can you hold someone’s hand if you’re using it to grab someone else’s at the same time? no,you cannot hold it properly. with love, it’s that way as well. you can’t give yourself completely if you’re still holding on to a past love, to what could have been…to what might be with someone else. To take a risk you have to give in or give up, completely. There are no happy-mediums. You can’t take a risk half-way because you wouldn’t be risking anything at all, right? But we’re so selfish…so scared of being left with nothing that we settle with half-emotions just so we don’t risk losing everything. We’re ok with being almost-happy, or kind-of in love…because we’re scared of letting everything else go and give our everything for this one thing we’re trying to pull off. and there we go…we hold on to every little thing and give only pieces of ourselves; incomplete, unwilling pieces. there are risks i haven’t taken and risks i’ll never take. there will always be ‘what would’ve been if i…’. ultimately all i want to remind myself and anyone who reads this is to try to make those “what would have bee”‘’s as least as possible. try to risk it all when it feels worth it…follow your instinct. you truly never know how amazing it might be…

“it was an improbable romance…”

“You have to let go”

Jaclyn — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 18:47:34 +0000

…and even if the depths of my heart are yelling at me to not do it, I cannot have hope in what hope is not given to me. I cannot wish for someone who does not wish for me. I’m tired; my heart is exhausted from gripping on to something someone is ripping away from me. I am, indeed, extremely exhausted and stressed. I hope he finds whatever makes him happy, God knows I tried to be that and more. I am at a loss for words right now. Four years and four months later, always & forever became past.

You said “Move on.” Where do I go?

Some days

Jaclyn — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:23:35 +0000

Some days I wish I could go back and feel like I felt way back. There are moments in your life you simply wish you could go back to and relive, re savor them. They bring smiles or tears just by the mere thought of them and make you feel again. They bring back deep emotions and it’s beautiful. I want to go back. I want a fresh start.

Day 5?

Jaclyn — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:36:22 +0000

I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m giving up…every day a little bit more.