He left me waiting again. It’s the third time in a couple of weeks “I’ll call you later” turns into nothing. Disappointment actually, that could describe it. I feel weird, I can’t believe it’s over for him. I can’t fathom that thought. I think back to when I was responsible for his suffering, and question if he felt like I do. I mean, yes…I was with someone else, but I told him repeatedly that I would go back to him. I told him it was a matter of time. And it was. He sort of knew that it would be over you know? It’s like getting a vaccine or having blood drawn. It’ll sting and hurt, but you know there’s an end to it. You know you’ll feel better in a little bit. I wish I had that…I wish I could know he is coming back to me in a little bit. I wish I could know it was a little bit. Honestly? I’m scared to death to find out that he really doesn’t have romantic feelings toward me anymore. It stings, it hurts, it burns. It’s like something inside you is just wrong and you can’t fix it. Like somehow, something in there doesn’t allow you to breathe. You suffocate, you try to find the way out of it and you simply can’t. I love him to death, and I’ve never been so sure I want to to be with him. He doesn’t trust me though, and I get it. I hurt him, bad. I lied, I hid stuff. But at the end, I hid something silly actually but I knew he wouldn’t understand or believe me when I told him I had no more feelings toward the person. And I don’t, really. I just feel sorry for people and want to save everyone. I wish I could take everything back because none of them is worth losing a minute I could have spent at his side. None of it. But I can’t. I have to live with it and if it costs me the love of my life, I’ll be sorry until the last breath I take. I know we haven’t had it good lately, but really our timing sucks. When I’m head-over-heels he isn’t and vice-versa. If we could just sync he could see what I have faith in. It’ll be beautiful! I know he doesn’t trust me, but he has my whole heart. I know he sees the look in my eyes, I know he hears my heart in the rhythm of my voice when we speak. I know he sees that. He sees how I’m just giving him all that I am, and maybe that should be enough to have faith in us. But I guess not. And really…some days I think maybe it’s just that. I gave him everything and it’s not enough. Everything bored him, everything made him change. Everything was nothing to him. I pray for this not to be it, because if it us there’s really nothing I can do about it. If it’s trust well I’m well on my way to prove myself, I do not want anyone else at all. I ignore them, evade them, do what I can to shove other guys away because I want his arms around me again and forever. It’s almost 12 so my thoughts for today are over. See you tomorrow.