To make it short: my boyfriend of on-and-off 4 years dumped me before my birthday, than came back, dumped me again, came back and dumped me again today. This blog will for now be the real day by day diary of getting over it, or getting back to it, or who knows what.

“I can only be your friend right now, but I love you.” A few words, a few words that make you feel like you were standing on a carpet that was pulled from under you. It’s like you’re so used to something, you rely on it, you always count on it and suddenly when you go to grab it, it’s gone. It just vanished into thin air, no explanations or substitution there. It’s heartbreaking at the very least. Suddenly I found myself feeling unsafe, insecure and alone. Really, I barely have any friends at all and now that I don’t have a cellphone I don’t communicate with barely anyone to be able to socialize with. So he was pretty much everything. I spent my whole day with him and now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to waste time on the phone with. I’m just there, breathing and trying not to cry. I probably sound really pathetic but it’s true. It’s a big deal– it’s your first love. How do you just not care? And besides, it’s just day one.

Note to self: Don’t try to use guys to not think about it. You have no interest in them, as proven, and last time you did it you hurt people, including yourself. Breathe deep.